A drunk

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, even the brake pedal!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time "Never mind," the drunk said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

all in here

The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates becauseevery weekend on Visitor’s Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always satalone in his cell. So one Visitor’s Day, the warden called George to his office and said, “I notice you’ve never had any visitors, George.” Sympathetic, he put his hand on George’s shoulder. “Tell me, don’t you have any friends or family?”George replied, “Oh, sure I do, Warden.It’s just that they’re all in here!”

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt. A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change! And she does.

Hillarys Bird

Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot. Does this parrot talk? she asked. Yes, he does, the manager told her. But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500? Well, maam, the manager explained, not everyone would want to own this parrot since he spent years in a whore house and his language is somewhat foul.

Well, I want him, she said.

Suit yourself, the manager shrugged. When Hillary got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, New house, new madam.

Hillary laughed.

Soon, Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. New house, new whores, the parrot observed.

Hillary explained the birds history to Chelsea and her friend, so they too, laughed.

Later, the President entered the living quarters.
The parrot took one look at him and said, Hi, Bill!

The doctor lives downstairs

　"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."

　　He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."

Logic Reasoning

　A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.

　　"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin
g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

　　A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"

Where is the father?

　 Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

　　　 "Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"

　　　 "Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"

　　　 The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."

Thank-you Note

　　Once I received a thank-you note from a friend whom I had helped. In the envelope were five lottery tickets that had been scratched, revealing the numbers. "Thank you very much for your help," the note read. "As a gift, I bought you some lottery tickets- sorry you didn't win. "

But the teacher cried

　The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.

　　When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.

　　"Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?"

　　"Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"

Does the dog know the proverb, too?

　 The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.

　　　 "It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"

　　　 "Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"

The poor husband

"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.

I Wasn't Asleep

　　　When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"

　　　"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.

　　　"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."

　　　"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."